To John Milton
There's another quote I'd like to share:
There is only one paradise, and it was never lost or gained. You have
Heaven in your hands all the time. It is not some other time, another
place, a different condition. You have the whole of paradise with you
now, total, complete, and paid for. You must only clarify your vision to
see it.
-Robert Johnson
Believe it or not (& amidst the typos I'm too lazy to correct for), these blogs take a fair amount of time to type up. Oftentimes, I'm just staring at the screen, thinking about the order in which I'd like to articulate my thoughts. Even the opening quote took me around 15-20 minutes to decide on, and all I had to do was copy somebody else's words from Goodreads. Is it a testament to the rigorous process of thinking or to my seemingly arbitrary moments of indecisiveness, or perhaps a mix of both? Given that I shared two quotes, most likely the latter.
But, what's the difference between "indecisive" and "thoughtful"? I think they're one in the same (at least for myself). After all, isn't just the context which defines which I am at that moment? For example, I think the order I chose for the quotes above was a thoughtful decision, but for the reader who is likely speeding through this blog and done in under ~10 minutes, it could be viewed as an an act of indecision. But as always, the reader is wrong, and I am right. Even though I can't perfectly articulate the difference, it was more important that y'all read the McCarthy quote first, then the Johnson quote.
It's a well-understood idea that we only ever live in the present moment. We can conceptualize the past and future, but our feelings of these things will only ever inspire us, hurt us, worry us, etc. in the present moment. Simply put, the "past" and "future" are concepts which evoke feelings. It's reductionist, and I suppose you could describe every idea ever that way, but I think these two ideas occupy much more mental headspace on a daily, monthly, and yearly basis. I like McCarthy's quote because it's his gothic way of saying "YOLO", except it's not necessarily a call to action either. Just a reminder. I think I often anticipate the next hour of my day, the rest of my day, and the rest of my week. And although there's a certain satisfaction I get from filling my calendar, it detracts from my ability to recognize that I will only ever exist now. So, I put the McCarthy quote first because I wanted to position and emphasize to the reader that we exist and occupy no other moment besides the present; he future isn't anything other than our decision to delay the present (typically for good reason).
Sometimes I don't feel like I delay the future for good reason (e.g. overthinking, hesitation, procrastination), and I wonder if I could benefit from being more spontaneous and indulgent. Is it my business school mindset? Am I subconsciously thinking about returns on investment, upfront costs, & compounding interest in facets of life outside of financial security? And if so, is that holding me back? Probably. There's an irony in expressing it this way, but perhaps it'd be best if I diversified my personality across different facets of life. Easygoing & collected at work, risk-seeking in life decisions, spontaneous in relationships, conservative in my finances? Would that feel disingenuous? Is there a base personality I should maintain?
So, that's why I like Johnson's quote. I found it in a book about mid-life crises (... I wanted to get ahead), and it questioning my preoccupation with the type of person I want to be professionally, romantically, socially. It's not bad to think about these things, but I think the inevitability of goalsetting is that it reminds you of what you don't have and are in pursuit of. It's necessary for personal development, but it also implies that perhaps there is something you could be better at... And so there's a fine balance, and the need for gentle reminders that you're doing well for yourself and life can be enjoyed now. Johnson's quote was that gentle reminder for me.
Educated by Tara Westover
Nothing is binary, but I typically think of books as belonging to two categories. There are those that broaden your worldview and others that resonate profoundly with you. I suppose there's a 3rd category for 'garbo' books like Rich Dad, Poor Dad, The Defining Decade, and the fictional book my finance professor wrote several years back where he effectively characterized everyone in the book by their level of attractiveness...
But for really good books, there's the two above. "Broadening your worldview" implies that the book discusses themes, experiences, information that you've largely been unfamiliar with, whereas "resonating profoundly" is as if every line the book has put to words the thoughts & feelings you've struggled to articulate. Simply, one ventures into the unknown and the other delves into the familiar. It's not impossible for a book to do both, but I think it's fairly uncommon.
Educated by Tara Westover does both. And for that reason, I've struggled with how I'd like to talk about it. In a previous blog, I said I'm going to stray away from formal reviews since that type of content is abundant across the web (and ChatGPT could likely do a much better job than I could), and instead talk about how I relate to a book and the ways it makes me feel. But, it feels unfair for me to discuss how I relate to this book since Tara Westover's life also vastly differs from mine. At most, Tara and I both viewed a college education as a pivotal moment in which we left behind a part of ourselves in our hometowns. But at the same time, my father wasn't a manipulative schizophrenic who believe in the end of days, discouraged public school, and consistently put his childrens' lives in danger. It's during these sections of the book that I become soberingly aware of just how vast the human experience is, and decided I'd likely never visit Idaho.
6 Feet Beneath the Moon by King Krule
Well, this week's albums have been perfectly fine. There weren't any I felt inspired to write about, but I did listen to the album (i.e. 6 Feet Beneath the Moon by King Krule) of that really famous Tiktok song with peaceful guitar finger pickings: Out Getting Ribs.
It reminds me of walking through UT's campus during sunset.
I'd like to go back to school for a bit.
At one point I thought about going into academia, but I'd like to teach more than I'd like to research.
Surprisingly, things felt less urgent in college.
Out Getting Ribs is nostalgic, and so is I'll Play You Out (Acoustic) by Route 500. That is all. Back to the present moment.
This Little Piggy
So I lost two of my toes.
Anyway, I'm on big pharma's percocets (another shoutout to Bernardo), so can you trust anything I'm saying? Happy late April Fool's, I never actually broke my foot!
But back to the story, I had surgery today (now, yesterday), and it was quite an experience. I've had surgery once before for appendicitis, so I now have a missing belly button and screws in my foot as random facts about me.
My appendicitis was an experience in itself. I was in 5th grade, went to class, and had what felt like the most awful 'stomache' I had ever experienced. So, I went to the nurse, and soon after was at home for the next 3 days as my parents prescribed me Canada Dry Ginger Ale as a remedy for my upset stomach. On the morning of day 4 of my affliction (& once my dad was convinced this was actually a 'problem'), we went to the hospital and thus began my 3 day recovery process at the hospital. Mind you, the doctors advised that it'd typically take a week before being discharged, but my dad was particularly impassioned for me bounce back and not succumb to my affliction (i.e. well-needed rest?).
It was a memorable time. I remember when they lathered my small belly in cool gel and ran an ultrasound. I remember when they stuck an IV in my arm, and I started crying. I remember the metallic-tasting medicine they ran through my IV before an MRI scan. I remember them putting a mask over my face in the operating room, blinking, and waking up in the hospital room a couple hours later. I remember receiving "get well" soon cards from classmates, some apologizing for any grievances we've had as if I'd contracted a terminal illness. I remember being prescribed this milk-like medication which to this day remains the most vile things I've tasted. And that's about most of it. Note: this repetition wasn't intended for any stylistic effect, rather to just test my memory recall from 10+ years ago.... not bad.
As for this time... I didn't cry with the IV in my arm or anesthetic being injected into my leg, but I was quite displeased about it. It was a bit comical though because after I told them I didn't really like "needles", they tried to ask me a bunch of random questions to distract me. I'm sure it helps for others, but it most definitely does not help me. After all, do we really want to create a cognitive association between me describing what I do for work and the pain of having a fucking needle shot up into my knee? Also, I've now undergone general anesthesia twice, and it's nothing at all like falling asleep. From the surgery room to the hospital room several hours later, it truly happens in the blink of an eye. In fact, I can't even remember what happened in the surgery room prior to them putting the mask on me. I remember being in there. They asked me questions. But for the life of me, I cannot remember the 10 minutes prior to going under. It's a bit off-putting, isn't it? To know you lived in a moment you can no longer remember?